This Could Get Good

Those of you who know me know that I am by nature not a confrontational sort. I'm actually a pretty big wuss unless I've had it -- then maybe I'm still a wuss but one who at least acts mad. For a while now, I've been regaling my husband with IDIOT posts from the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" site. The stupid posts range from "I don't like when my boyfriend who was an alcholic when I met him goes drinking with his friends and passes out on their couch" to "My mother-in-law sucks and the only person I can ever trust is my mother". We giggle about how it just proves anyone can get pregnant and then we move on. Tonight I didn't just move on. Witness the amazingly real post that was on the board tonight:

Terrible Baby shower **vent**

From:
eratchley (693845)
5:08 pm
To:
ALL
(1 of 18)

11153.1
Ok so call me selfish. I didn't get much at all for my baby shower. Ok i guess i should be grateful that I got anything at all, but I am mad. Ok so my husband's family is not wealthy and this shower was from them. We got a lot of hand me down clothes and a few bibs and burping clothes. Oh and 2 diaper genies so I can take one back and get what I wanted. Ok my mom and dad got us a crib that is costing like $500 and his parents are getting the car seat and stroller. But we went to a shower a couple weekends ago and they load up on everything. My mother's family is basically non existent and my dad's family is dead and he doesn't know the other half. The only thing I can look forward to is my work and my husbands work are having showers for us, and hopefully, Cross my fingers, we will get something more than hand me down clothes.

OH NO SHE DI-ENT!!!

I quickly looked at her profile picture and decided that I could take her if the need should arise so I furiously typed this response (following all of the simpering "poor you replies from other readers):

From:
lamonitadevelasquez (13079287)
9:04 pm
To:
eratchley (693845) unread
(18 of 19)

11153.18 in reply to 11153.1
I am still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor. Ever tried gratefulness? Yikes! These people didn't even have to come to your shower. And comparing what your parents are financially able to do for you to what your in-laws are able to do is hurtful -- if it was a contest, it would have been only fair for you to let them in on the rules! I hope your husband hasn't heard you griping about this because if he has, I guarentee it made him feel about 1 inch tall -- no matter how much he tries to laugh along with you.
Reality check: 1. You are not entitled to presents. Most of us are buying a lot of our own things anyway b/c it is no one else's responsibility to supply our baby with essentials. 2. You are not entitled to people celebrating your great news. With this kind of attitude you are lucky anyone bothered to bring anything -- I'm sure if they read your comments they would wish they had not bothered. 3. What people buy you does not determine how much they love or care about you.
People do what they can and a little thankfulness would go a long way in making your memories of this day one hundred times better.

I'm dying of anticipation to see if she'll man-up and reply (something along the lines of 3:00 and the flagpole would seriously rock!), but I'm guessing she'll probably not -- what with my logic being so tight and all. I'll certainly post any replies I get... bad or good. It's not like I was hoping for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzah cards from these sweet ladies!

Just a dash of abstract in the midst of concrete

Today in Science while talking about senses, we were focusing on things we could feel. Kids said blahblah stuff like "I feel my backpack" or "I feel my shoes" then one student (we'll call her Tessa) suggested that she could feel God.

I skeptically tried to guide to back toward the concrete answers that the lesson was looking for by saying, "but can you touch him with your hand and know what he feels like?". Without being shy or concerned about being wrong, she said "no, I feel him in my heart".

Oh -- and yes, I did call her Mom to let her know what happened so that they could celebrate life lessons sinking in.

Heartburn and Ritz Crackers (unrelated but connected)

First an anecdote:
Yesterday I had heartburn and when Ethan (who needs lots of maintence) in my class saw me
taking Tums for it asked me what I needed medicine for. I told him that I had heartburn and that the medicine would make it go away. He then asked me "will the heartburn take all of the love from your heart?". gulp.

Now and observation:
Remember when "cheese and crackers" was the snack of children everywhere? Well, there still danged good and I think that I should eat them more often. The wonderful taste of Ritz with sharp cheddar is magnificent -- pregnant or not.

Got More Talking to Do (AKA Part Deux)

There is a talk radio station in Raleigh (not the attempted murder NPR) that has a definite conservative bent to it. The host that is on at 4:00 makes me crazy so when I'm in a particularly punchy mood, I put on his show and see how long I can last.

Mainly his topics are what bother me. There is NO variety. He (gar-un-tee you) will be talking about illegal immigration (and of course the callers lose the differentiation btw illegal immigrants and south americans in record time) or education (and of course teachers are leaches on society for hoping to earn a wage they can live on).

You can see how I, being a teacher married to a LEGAL south american immigrant would be digging my nails into the steering wheel. But, annoying topics aside, Bill Lamay (that's this creative thinker's name-- although I'm almost positive that's not how you spell it) comes up with some fabulous examples of MORE phrases I'm done hearing. Ready? Here we go:

1. It is what it is. This is an example of saying words that mean absolutely NOTHING. Seriously, just don't even make my ears do the work of listening to that crap. It's one of those "I have an opinion but this topic is so obvious I'm not going to waste my time verbalizing it" phrases. Quit it!

2. Gift it. Since when did we decide to lazily make nouns into verbs to cut down on the number of words we say? If you can the time to say "it is what it is" you have the time to say "give it as a gift". I don't want to hear about people "gifting" the free IPod they got. Enough!

3. Awesome. Now, this one I might need to defend a little. There are some things that are really awesome like a huge wave or a hard thunderstorm... but a page run off on the photocopier? Hardly. Kind maybe, but certainly not awesome. So, stop!

4. Really? . I first heard this on the Office (the Holy Grail of funny) but like "not so much" the yuppy-look-at-me's have latched onto replying "really?" to something that they might normally reply "I can't believe you just said that". The extra-annoying part is the voice these look-at-me's affect when they say this word -- disappointed and exasperated. No more of this.

As I am around more people, I am sure that we'll have to go for part 3, but this is plenty to digest for now... word?

Drama Mama

There is a new drama queen in town and her name is Tessa.

It was the first real day of school today and aside from random bits during the day, the highlight did not end up being my lovely new shoes. Instead, the high-point of my day (and possibly my year) was when Tessa got a TEENY correction about such a small thing and she reacted with full dramatic overload rolling back on the floor and crying out loud for the class to hear "I just don't care about anything!"

It was beautiful! Nothing warms my heart more than a child who can creatively whine! I pride myself on my classroom drama, but I'll be taking a page from the Tessa handbook and making random pronouncements coupled with big physical gestures -- oh, I am so excited to see what line she uses tomorrow!!!

I hope I'm over-estimating her skills, but I predict that we'll be getting some great lines from this great young scholar!

We Need to Talk

Alright, we have an issue. I haven't been writing on here because I really didn't have anything that was worth trying to make entertaining to read... but now I do. The issue that I have had for about the last week, in particular, is catch-phrases. I think that I see a lot of annoying ones at school because teachers have to write so many newsletters and we really don't have time to be creative with every line that we write, but here are some of the big offenders (in no particular order):

1. It's that time of year again. Kathryn (TA to the stars) and I have decided to keep the newsletters that go home from PTA or other sources as well as emails that start out with this one-time meaningful phrase. It used to be that teachers would write that on momentous occasions like the first day of school. Now we see it on everything including a sign-up for a blood-bourne-pathogen training.

2. Going green. I'm all about helping the earth not waste away un-necessarily, but this phrase has come to mean any paper-skimping done because you don't want to use your copies or a trendy guilt-trip method to make sure the lights helper doesn't forget to turn out the energy-wasting lights.

3. Not so much. I will never forget the first time I heard that phrase and thought it sounded quirkily New-York-Jewish-Mom. After hearing a particular mom in last year's class (think bathtub pillows if you're curious who said this and you know my school stories) in reference to her child's lunch choice, I realized that the phrase had already gotten to the trendy-phrase-seeking-wanna-bes-who-drive-Mercedes-SUV's-and-hope-you'll-notice and it was instantly ruined. A favorite friend of mine with a great parking place at work says it, but she also says very funny things about cherry-flavored prophylactics so we can still be friends.

4. ... so they might get bored I love that parents assume that since their kid was a) in a good preschool b) in transitional Kindergarten or c) retained their child will be bored at the beginning of the year. Believe me, there are no kids that are Mensa enough to be bored with the kind of drama that Kathryn and I bring on a daily basis. We've been working on some new lines already (thank Hey-juice for those 3 workdays) so even kids from our own class last year would be stunned into listening.

Okay, there are more. I know that there was one more I was thinking of yesterday that occurred to me in Target, but pregnantly, I can't remember it. Oh and don't even get me started on how teachers love to put cutesy phrases like "goodies" in quotation marks in their thank you notes... Maybe this means we'll have a "We Need to Talk Part Deux"!

Another reason to stay tracked out

Continuing in the ilk of "I don't wanna go back to work" posts, I would also like to post a little something about my husband. For 6 years I have been married to that creature, but this has been the longest time that I have had no where to be and no job that I had to get to (thanks to year-round school paying me for all 12 months -- even when I'm on track out).

One thing that I have been teasing him about that I never had the chance to notice before was how he is absolutely unable to zap something in the microwave and eat in less than 5 minutes (like I always do).

Luis will routinely decide that he's hungry and proceed to defrost a steak, cut potatoes into fries, chop up a fancy salad, add lime to the tea I already made, and warm up some rice (where I would've had some Ramen Noodles 45 minutes into his preparation).

I love that he enjoys food so much that he spends the time and effort to create a meal worth burning calories over -- that is something I learned about my husband this trackout. Oh, track out... you really are to wonderful for any of us to imagine!

At long last

I know that it has taken me too long to post but I'm really in a long-lasting bad mood about actually having to go back to work to earn money. It's not that I don't like my job -- it's really the best job ever. My glorious and wonderful TA and I have the greatest time schmoozing with the kids and teaching them important life lessons along the way, but the problem is that I like being at home and having a clean calm house even more.

Also, I am beginning to look at childcare options for the little Velasquez and I am seriously raging that I can't just strap him into a Baby Bjorn and bring him to Kindergarten. Last year's class could have TOTALLY handled it but there is def a OSHA policy about this.

So since you have other things to do besides reading paragraphs about why I don't wanna go back to work, I will condense them into a list:

1. I like not waking up to an alarm clock.

2. I like reading my email and checking Perez Hilton BEFORE I consider breakfast.

3. I like how my house looks when I am not too tired to pick up clutter.

4. I like having time to bake the dogs bones with healthy ingredients.

5. I like to go by the school to pick up a book or two then leave.

6. I like seeing Jools sacked out in her crate with the door wide open even though there are pillows and chairs she could also choose.

7. I like making a journey walking down the driveway to get the mail instead of driving by on my way in the driveway.

8. I like having the flexibility to drive to Target at 1:25 if I feel like it.

I started to feel like that line in the play Our Town where they start listing the good things about their town that they never paid attention to until it was too late... told you I'm in a rare mood!

So, here's to my last full week off. Next week I have a stinking staff development and 3 teacher workdays... so here's to living it up!

My Side of the Crack-head's Story

I always like the rewrites of famous children's books like the one where they told the story of the Three Little Pigs through the POV of the wolf. I have one of those re-writes. As you can see from this link: http://cheyneyandryan.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-first-bike-ride.html, my friend tells a story of success and victory, but I have a tale of crack-headedness at its finest. I give you the story of "Cheyney the Strung-out Bike Addict":

So there I was sleeping in after a strenuous day of massages and swimming when my doorbell rang. Assuming (as Cheyney describes) that it was the neglected Children of the Corn from down the street who are obsessed with playing with my dogs, I tried to ignore the door. The knocks continued until I headed for the door ready to turn those children back in the direction of their mother who must be designing an underground railroad since she is always to busy for them.

Instead of two little faces looking in the window beside my door, I saw the frantic look of Cheyney. Since I do like her and since she didn't come to play with the dogs, I let her in. It seems that she had ridden her bike 21.3 MILES that is right MILES to my house with no cellphone, wallet, or list of top-ten list of favorite SNL moments.

This is not 21.3 miles of curving country roads, this is 21.3 miles of mostly HIGHWAY. My one consolation in life and death is that Cheyney's husband is a social worker at the much-acclaimed Dorthea Dix (home of some of the best mental healthcare in the city of Raleigh) and if such behavior continues, I am assured that he will step in.

To further assess her mental state, I agreed to swim with her -- but only for more observation. The cool perfect water had nothing whatsoever to do with my choice! Friends make those kinds of sacrifices for friends... even crackheaded ones.

The Most Delicious Day

Today, in honor of Cheyney's job making her work an obscene 40 hours/week soon (not sure, but I think slavery was abolished a couple of years ago -- you might want to check into that), Cheyney and I had a lovely afternoon of acting like we don't have jobs. While she put in a few hours at work, I slept in then headed into Raleigh where we met at Wal*Mart. We picked up a few things, then got ready for the pool.

We set up shop and enjoyed the sun and perfect temperatured water (and, of course, our own sparkling conversation) for a couple of hours then we went up to take a shower to get ready for the next part of our perfect day: massages.

Cheyney has been talking about this place and it really is cool. Very minimal and clean inside which is calm to begin with. I had the first pre-natal massage of my life which was similar to a regular one with some positional differences.

Not really sure of what could have happened that could have possibly made a day of sleeping in, pooling, and massages with a fun girl better. Three cheers for Cheyney's fun event planning.

1/2 of the DNA

I found this picture of Luis from back when he was an exchange student. Total trouble back then but oh so cute.

I have loved what this baby has done to him so far and now that he knows that everything is great with how the baby is growing and what the baby is exactly (gender-wise) he is even cuter than usual. Funny what babies bring out in people.

So, here's raising a glass of DHA Omega-3 enriched organic milk to my cute husband and his even cuter reaction to being my babydaddy.

It's a BOY!!

Totally surprising me, the baby is a boy. The kids in my class have been sure it was a girl and have been calling it "she" and "her", but as it was clear to all to see today, it is really a "HE".

In total Luis style, he was mooning us as soon as she put the ultrasound on my belly so that even if we had not wanted to know we could not have missed his "business".

He made no pretense of modesty -- gotta love his dad's genes for that. He was also resting like we both do with one hand under his head.

There is a great view of his spine that I'm sure was a shout-out to his girl Cheyney. He's already smooth with the ladies!

Pregnancy does not preclude wifely duty

We went to the air show at Cherry Point Marine base (I think that's the official name) and aside from the airplanes it was HOT. I went because I knew that Luis wanted to see the Blue Angels (who, of course, didn't fly until 3:30 even though we were there by 10:30) and I always think it's cute that he gets excited about seeing different aviation-related things I've never heard of. Plus, I knew it would be a great chance to get out of town together.

Um, yeah about that. "Together" is such a strong word when half of the pair keeps running up to the fence to take pictures of planes "doing what planes can't do" (that's what the announcer said so I guess it must be true).

There were some high points like the Shock Wave which is a jet-engined truck that drove faster than a plane -- I could sure use one of those for my drives to Raleigh for work.

Then there was the RUDE lady who stood in front of me for too long and didn't even ask if she was in my way. I think she was fair game for the fine shot I took of her.

It was hot as could be, but we survived and we both came out of it glad we went (me for brattier reasons like the above lady). Props to me for doing my wifely duty and being a good sport. I smell a chick flick in the theatre coming up in Luis's future!

Pregnancy-related symptom

With Carol's comment in mind, I am writing today about a pregnancy related symptom that has been slowly creeping up on me. It's nothing awful like throwing up, but this is what I have to offer:

During the night, I've been waking up to find my wedding rings TIGHT and to get relief I've put my hands in cold water and that has taken care of it. Well, today (my last day of work for the 2007-2008 school year, amen) I was repeatedly bothered by the discomfort caused by my too tight rings.

When I told Kathryn (my glorious TA who has an anecdote for everything), she told me about how she went to Walmart to buy a cheap band when pregnancy swelling made her put her rings away.

I don't know how many of you remember those janky Walmart commercials where people bragged about the good deals they got on their wedding rings at Walmart, but I do know that Luis and I mercilessly made fun of the cheesiness of the commericals. We still can't walk by the jewelry counter at Walmart without ragging on those commericals. Time out to say that this is not a commentary on the actual jewelry there and if you did get you symbolic jewelry there, more power to you, I'm sure you probably paid the most reasonable price -- but really, those commercials?!

Well, Kathryn and I went to the Walmart to look for storage bins for the school's new handwriting program and we decided to glance at the bands... $15! The lady who was working the counter was a pure hoot and was a good sport for us. So here is my silver band. I later called Luis to inform him that he had been a "single" man for about 35 minutes (while my rings were carefully put away so we could eat lunch and drive to Walmart) -- but that he could breathe easy knowing that no one would be judging me for being an unwed momma anymore.

So there you are. Isn't that the way life goes? You make fun of something, and you almost always end up doing just what you made fun of. I am morphing into more and more of a dork!

Beautiful Bathtub -- the end of an era.

A pioneer in the education field was laid to retirement today. This is not a very flattering image of our our beloved class bathtub, but it is reality as of today.

Since we are 1) switching a kindergarten room that happens to by mine with a first grade room and 2) actually changing rooms every so often during the year like real year-rounders, the beautiful majestic bathtub that was painted with love by my class had to leave Leesville Road Elementary.

A while ago, I posted a picture of the bathtub in all of its splender in the classroom where it served as a mighty behavior motivator -- only the best kids could take off their shoes and read in it. Right up until today, kids were vying for a place in the tub.

My darling and cute and tolerant husband came to school and loaded it into his work van and then lugged it out and placed it in its final resting place (at least until baby Velasquez gets big enough to enjoy such a fun thing).

I was ready to toss it out (yeah right, like toss is the right verb for a 250 pound bathtub) but I think I'll be glad that Luis wanted to go through the hassle of bringing it home. That way when our kid's Kindergarten teacher thinks she's hot stuff for bringing a bathtub to the classroom our kid can boredly reply "I have one in my room!". Actually he/she better not ever boredly reply to anything a teacher does for him/her after all the effort I know teachers put into making the day fun.

Oh, and as an added bonus here is a nice eye-candy picture of my husband representing in his Colombia shirt (it is amazing how much Colombia-wear he has from the last 2 trips).

My Various Life Successes

This week has been a busy one as it is wrap up time. The last day of school for the kids is next Tuesday. Usually one to be bogged down in all of the paperwork, I thought it was time for a little "Go me, it's your birthday" time (no it's not really my birthday).

Those of you who did not have the pleasure of knowing me in the prime of my high school time might not know a little known fact about me. My mother discovered it so I can't take total credit but, I THRIVE on check off lists. I don't just do what I need to do, I do it fast and well. When mom needed me to clean my room, she would write a point by point list of everything that needed to be done and I would jet through it so that I could check things off.

Well, Cecelia Chapman (principal to the stars) has very possibly been talking to my mother because amidst all of the paperwork and due dates she inserted a check off list. Not to brag (well, kind of to brag) here is a little taste of the mic I've been rocking this week:

1.Report cards were due to our evaluator by May 27th (yesterday) and contrary to popular rumor my evaluator did NOT rip up my comments -- in fact she loved every one of them. Rock on me.

2. Data capture (which is essentially all of the overall data for each kid inputed in an annoying computer progam) is due June 2nd. Guess who turned hers in yesterday along with the hard to print excel sheet. Yeah, that would be me again. Go me!

3. My glorious and magnificent TA's evaluation is due May 30th and I finished it yesterday and had it on her desk for a nice early morning perusal. I even had it in an evelope that said "TA evaluation. Please look over and let me know if you have any questions. Cliff notes: you suck". See what I did there? Efficiency AND humor. Give me a C, Give me and H, Give me a R-I-S-T-Y!

4. Kindergarten graduation is Friday. In the program I am going to read predictions about what I think each kid will grow up to be. Any guesses when those were done? Um, people who guessed a month ago were correct! I am not joking, I am really that great.

I'm not going to lie, there have been many more amazing feats of educational excellence --I've been a regular machine. These are just a few inspirations to whet your appetite. If a barefoot and pregnant girl like myself (yes I really am barefoot) can accomplish so much in so little time, just imagine what an abled-bodied one like you could do.

Go on. Keep your feet on the gound, but keep reaching for the stars!

Something in the water

I have just found out that the nation's water supply must indeed be contaminated with an agent that is causing fatigue, sickness (primarily in the AM but not necessarily only), and after prolonged exposure a bulge that will not let you zip your jeans.

Another soul was affected in the Philadelphia area just nine short weeks ago and already her life has undergone some changes including the symptoms listed above.

I drank the water 15 weeks 5 days ago and I have no prayer of zipping any jeans in the near future. It's an epidemic I tell you. In the mean time, Cheyney: drink up! Hydration can be good for you -- even if it's just practice.

Cheers.

Cribs

Today is the day we decided to put the crib together. We got it last weekend, but this was the first time that we've been in the right mindset. We wrapped up my bed that was in the guest bed room and put it in the attic. Luis and I then got all of the pieces out and I tried to be helpful, but the combination of the 2 dogs and me (who doesn't even really read the directions) in the room led my genius constructor husband to kick out anyone who did not have a Colombian birth certificate so that he could work his magic in peace.

So I went to fold laundy and in no time he came out of the room and said, "I quit -- I'm not doing that thing". I tried to find out what the problem was and he said "Go see if you can figure out those directions" (just a reminder that I don't read directions and I'm not sure that I could find the tools if I were asked). I walked in and there it was in all of its glory:

Now.. we just need to know what this creature is so that we can buy the bedding. Fun times.

Boys and Chick Flicks

Last night my friend (we'll call her oh I don't know "Cheyney" for the intents and purposes of this post) and I watched a chick flick together. She had ordered it from Netflicks and her husband had no interest in the girlyness (neither would my Colombian) so we made a evening of it.

We made burritos with beans (since meat grosses me out lately) and smoothies also not made from meat. We ate then got comfy to watch a tear-jerker. I will say that my tears jerked much more quickly than hers but I have 2 theories on that: 1) I'm pregnant 2) she is immune to human pain -- um scratch #2 if there is a girl in tuned with human pain it is Cheyney and more so she is awesome at dramatizing her reaction to such pain so that one's out.

So, my point in saying this is that by the end we were both crying (with kleenix and everything) and it would have been an easy play for both of our husbands if they had sat through the movie since we were both big old mushes at the end. I could have guaranteed that those boys would have gotten (at least) some good cuddles and dreamy glances for putting up with the movie.

Maybe by the time they're 75 the husbands will learn that there are sacrifices worth making in order for a greater good and in this case the sacrifice would be chick flicks and the greater good would be...

In the meantime, I look forward to our next flick night (chick or otherwise).

It's like Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzah all mixed together!

I promise that it is NOT a secret wish of mine to be a book reviewer, but I have to share my excitement that Augusten Burroughs has finally written a new book. Who? He's the one who wrote Running with Scissors which is pretty famous but not really my fave. I found out about him a couple of years ago and made the mistake of devouring his books like there was no end to them... except there was and then I was forced to check his website in hopes of the new book.

The new book, A WOLF AT THE TABLE, came out today and even though I had a BORING workshop about science today, I stopped at Barnes to get it (Don't even let me start talking about how this workshop was in a disgusting building in Garner and how my friend Cheyney just went to a work-related-conferencey-thing in CHARLOTTE... Wake County is tops with creative destinations).

I am having to really pace myself with this book because I want to read it all tonight but then I'll be left to re-re-re-read my other favorites so I know I need to go slowly

Anyway, if you haven't picked up one of his books, you might should. His ability to tell stories and use words is amazing esp. since he didn't even go to High School. I'd start with anything other than Sellevision or the cliche Running with Scissors just so you can really know what he's about without reading his first published book or his most famous. Plus, since Running with Scissors is a memoir of a pretty sick childhood it is not for the weak of eyes.

Now it's David Sedaris's turn to write a new one.